Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
