Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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