I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
