I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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