her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
