the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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