This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That accounts for only three of the penises
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
