Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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