I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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