oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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