I am spending my child support on dildos
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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