I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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