I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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