Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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