I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
