Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
