My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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