I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
