just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
