We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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