glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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