She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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