You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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