We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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