my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
