remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
