sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
