3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
