Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
