well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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