even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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