So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
