Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think my moral compass just broke
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
