I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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