if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
