I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
