Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
