At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
