im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
