Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
