my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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