I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
