Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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