I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
