I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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