Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
