This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
