the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
