Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
