No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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