Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
