Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
